


memories of a (failed) love

by sunglele



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:19:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24694387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunglele/pseuds/sunglele
Summary: But he also can't help but feel like he was used for almost one entire year. If Jisung wasn't who he thought he was, then does that mean that Jisung also faked that he loved him? Does it mean that their relationship was never real? not even for a brief moment? Chenle doesn't know. But if he could erase his memories with Jisung, he would.He laughed at the thought, he remembers about Clementine and Joel and how much he believed that Jisung was just as introverted as Joel, the difference is that Clementine managed to make Joel forget Naomi forever, but why couldn't he? Why couldn't he keep Jisung? Wasn't he worthy enough?Chenle just wishes he knew where he failed, maybe if he did something wrong in the past, he could fix it, right?  Then he starts spacing out to rethink about their whole relationship, and where it went south.
Relationships: Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	memories of a (failed) love

**Author's Note:**

> didn't edit this... im just writing for 3 hours in an attempt to forget my own heart break... enjoy it ig 💕

Chenle is sitting on a bench watching from afar those two who are one step away from destroying him. Jisung and his boyfriend who are widely laughing on the other side of their uni's park. 

Chenle can't understand how after less than one month Jisung can be so moved on, in his mind the only thing that makes sense is that they were seeing themselves before Jisung broke up with Chenle, which honestly makes Chenle even more miserable. 

Chenle was trying his best to focus on his assignment due tomorrow but the giggles are really making him lose his mind. He just wishes he didn't attend to the same uni as them, that was way too much of torture to him, but nothing much he could do then hiding himself to avoid them, but sometimes – like right now – they would accidentally be in the same place at the same moment.

Jisung notices Chenle's presence, stopping laughing immediately. He whispers something to his boyfriend, and then they leave the park right after, letting Chenle finally breathe. It was kind of funny to him, Jisung acting so confident and extroverted since he started dating his ex boyfriend again, maybe he's happier, maybe it's the best for him, Chenle thinks.

But he also can't help but feel like he was used for almost one entire year. If Jisung wasn't who he thought he was, then does that mean that Jisung also faked that he loved him? Does it mean that their relationship was never real? not even for a brief moment? Chenle doesn't know. But if he could erase his memories with Jisung, he would. 

He laughed at the thought, he remembers about Clementine and Joel and how much he believed that Jisung was just as introverted as Joel, the difference is that Clementine managed to make Joel forget Naomi forever, but why couldn't he? Why couldn't he keep Jisung? Wasn't he worthy enough? 

Chenle just wishes he knew where he failed, maybe he if did something wrong in the past he could fix it, right? Then he starts spacing out to rethink about their whole relationship, and where it went south. 

**The beginning.**

It was around 1 am in that insanely hot day, Chenle was partying at the party that the senior's threw to the freshmen, Chenle so happy to finally joined uni and he already made a few friends but honestly he was feeling a little too overwhelmed inside of that house so he left it for a bit to get some fresh air. And that was when he spotted a very gorgeous boy sitting on the sidewalk visibly sad, he's eyes were kind of swollen and he was very, very red. Chenle wasn't doing anything anyways, so he decided to sit next to the boy who was clearly having a bad day.

"Rough day, huh?" Chenle said as he sat next to the boy

"Um… nah it's okay… I'm just-"

"Not here to ask you what happened, don't worry. I was just bored in the party and came to get some air outside" Chenle interrupted the boy, creating a tense atmosphere around them.

"Oh, I see…" 

Chenle needed to do something to ease the environment, he had one idea but maybe that'd be too cheesy, but he had to try. 

"Here, a candy to make your life sweeter" He gave the boy a candy that he took out of his pocket

"O-oh.. Thank you" The boy finally gave Chenle a shy smile, that made his stomach flip in a way that it definitely shouldn't have. 

"I'm Chenle, by the way. You?"

"Jisung, Park Jisung" 

"Do you want me to drive you home? I can drop you by your dorms, I'm kinda tired of partying already" 

"Oh… that'd be really nice… my ride left me alone in here, I really didn't know how I was going back home"

"What? How could anyone leave a cutie like you alone? I'm so sorry, let's go home." 

And so Chenle did, in the car he blasted very cheery songs, in the halfway of their path Jisung was even daring to sing along with Chenle, who only could grin widely at the scene, he loved him at first sight. He needed to take care of him, he needed him for him. And Chenle was definitely willing to do everything he could to have that boy to himself.

,

Chenle who is now laying on the bench, after completely giving up on doing his assignment, giggles to remember about their first meeting. That moment is still such a beautiful day in his memory, and he treasures it a lot. 

Now his mind travels to a very specific day, the day they first kissed. 

_,_

**The First Kiss.**

2 months have passed since their first meeting. 

They've become friends since then, Jisung oftens goes to Chenle's dorm, where he just rants about his ex boyfriend and Chenle listens to him. To Chenle his ex boyfriend is a huge bastard. The worst kind of bastard. Junior in college, 3 years older than Jisung, who wanted to control Jisung and turn him into his personal puppet, until he got tired of him and threw him into the trash at the first opportunity he had, in which was Jisung asking to meet his family. He used that to throw in Jisung's face how he's major was terrible and if he listened to him and changed to another one who gave more money he'd maybe consider to come out as gay to his family.

But to Chenle that was just bullshit. You do not love a major, you love a person. He even doubts he would come out anyways, he was probably playing with Jisung and has a secret girlfriend to keep his image to his family. Maybe Chenle was being too hard on him but he didn't care at all, he hated that guy. And that's all he can see.

"Hey Sungie, what do you want to eat for dinner? I'll order here" Chenle said to the boy who was laying in his bed.

"Um… nothing I guess? I'm not hungry, I just want to stay here quietly, please…" 

Chenle sighed and dropped the phone on his side table, then sat on the edge of his bed

"What happened?" 

"He happened."

Chenle rolled his eyes and tried his best to not groan in anger, he laid next to the boy, facing him with a tired look in his eyes. 

"Jisung, honestly… I've had enough of this. That guy? He doesn't deserve you. He's a selfish hoe who loves money above love, he loved money above you. He _used you,_ Jisung!"

"I know that I just…"

"Just what? Can't you see that it's a hundred percent his loss? you… are perfect, buby…" Chenle approached taking his hand to Jisung's cheek, wiping away a solitary tear with his thumb. "He's just a bastard, and you… you're a diamond, a diamond he left in the dust…" 

Jisung couldn't help but smile at the boy's words, for a second he felt warm, and loved. Maybe it was because he was very vulnerable and in need of some closure or because Chenle's eyes were really captivating but when Jisung realised he already had sealed their lips in an urgent kiss. 

It felt nice to both of them, Chenle finally had those lips he's been wondering how it tasted for the last 2 months and Jisung felt a little warmth in his lonely soul. 

,

Tears falls off Chenle's eyes at the moment, he's feeling such a fool that he feels so happy to think about their first kiss, as much as he tries, he cannot see those memories in a bad way… and that's when his memories goes to the happiest moment he thinks he had lived with Jisung

,

**The Peak.**

"Chenle, stop!" Jisung was hysterically laughing because Chenle was tickling him, he made fun of Chenle earlier saying that he's too ticklish and Chenle wanted to get his revenge, he was going to show Jisung that he was as ticklish as he is. He was sitting on top of Jisung, immobilizing him with his legs, but not for too long because Jisung was stronger than him, Jisung got up lifting Chenle as well, then threw him onto the bed, now he's the one tickling Chenle who can barely breathe – He's definitely more ticklish than Jisung. 

"Please… it's enough… ok ok I'm more ticklish than you, stop…" 

"Ha! Told ya!" Jisung laid next to Chenle very proudly 

"You suck!" 

"We know I don't, baby" 

Jisung pulled Chenle closer, wrapping his arms around his waist, then kissed him. Since that day they started going out, Jisung was certain in that moment that he could like Chenle, he was nice, funny, beautiful _and_ actually cared about him, that was enough, right? Jisung thought at that moment. And for Chenle, he was living a dream. Jisung was the cutest person he knew, even though he wasn't the most talkative person, he had his playful moments that for him was his charm. He loved the thing they had, it was good, it made him feel complete.

"You're really beautiful, Zhong Chenle" said Jisung after he stopped kissing the boy, while curling a little hair strand of Chenle with his finger. "I really like you."

"I also like you so much, Jisung" said Chenle widely grinning 

"I've been thinking about asking you this but… would you be my boyfriend? I want to take your thing to the next level" 

Chenle gasped. Was he dreaming? Did Jisung actually ask him that? 

"Oh my God! Yes, yes! a million times yes!"

Chenle tightly hugged Jisung, he was the happiest in that moment, nothing could be compared to how happy and content he was feeling. 

And then they enjoyed the last of the night kissing and doing all the gross things that couples do, but most importantly… that was the peak of their relationship. When everything actually felt right, when _both_ of them thought that it could actually work 

but then…

  
  


**One Week Before The Breakup**

There was Chenle and Jisung side by side watching a movie while eating popcorn, their relationship grew up steady and now they are less clingy, only seeing each other twice a week or so and their dates are now honestly just going out for dinner once a month. 

It wasn't a big deal to Chenle, actually he believed that, that was the fate of every couple, but it didn't mean that they didn't love each other anymore, right? Because he still does love Jisung heartfully, and nothing could change that. However something was slightly bothering Chenle. Jisung was spending way too much time on his phone, giggling at it as if it was the most important thing for him. 

Just like right now. Even though they were supposed to have fun watching a movie, Jisung wasn't paying attention at all. Tired of it, Chenle tried to see what the hell is so important that he could not leave it for 2 hours to spend some time with his boyfriend. 

"What the fuck, Chenle? Do you know what privacy is?" 

"I beg your pardon?" 

"I said, do you fucking know what privacy is?" Jisung said practically screaming. 

"Wow. So you're really hiding something." 

"Hiding something? Now I have to show you all my stuff? Then what? Will you put a gps inside of my skin?" 

Chenle's blood was boiling. Why was Jisung being such an ass to him? It's not very Jisung to act like that. 

"Wow…" That's all he could say

"Yes, wow. I'm going home. You clearly don't trust me and probably believe that I'm cheating on you, don't you?" 

"Literally what the fuck? I never said that, are you out of your goddamn mind? it's literally you who's saying that!" 

"Maybe I am. Bye, Chenle" 

Jisung grabbed his coat, bag and a scarf and left Chenle's house, angrily slamming the door. 

.

Chenle sits back on the bench, now crying even harder. Now everything starts to make sense to him. Jisung really _was_ talking to that boy while he was still dating him. Inconsolable, Chenle just starts remembering about their last memory together, the last time they have ever spoken.

.

**The Breakup**

  
  


"I'm sorry, Chenle… I didn't mean to lie to you, I really can't keep doing this, I'd just… hurt you… unfortunately, I'm not over him like I thought I was, I'm really sorry." 

Jisung said and then left Chenle alone in the middle of that cold street. 

Chenle was surprised when he suddenly received a call from his – until then – boyfriend at 3 p.m asking him to meet him at street they first met, but he gladly went thinking that maybe it could be a surprise since they were close to their 1 year anniversary, and yes he did get a surprise. But not the one he was expecting. 

He was devastated to say the least. 

Frozen. He was frozen, his feet stuck in the ground, his whole body wasn't responding to him, he wanted to run, to leave that place and drown himself under his blanket, but he couldn't. His body just couldn't… move. He wanted to cry but he was to perplexed to cry, he wanted to yell but all he could do was to gap, his jaw almost dropping to the floor, he wanted to punch, break something, anything, but his arms were weak, his fists closed so strongly that he was very sure that his nails were hurting his palms, but he couldn't feel, he was numb. completely numb.

He couldn't believe that all of this at all. Not a freaking change. Not a fucking way. That this is happening. 

So the boy he genuinely loved with his whole soul, the boy he found inside of a trash, completely destroyed, the boy he bathed with loved and kissed to heal all his wounds, the boy he with his whole patience took care of, listening him cry, staying awake with him countless nights to make him feel safe, to make him know that he wasn't alone anymore, that he now had someone to rely on _forever_ , the boy he gave his all, his everything… just threw all his efforts and love away.

And all of this because of… That guy? That guy who did nothing but hurt him? Who never liked him for what he is? who tried to change him into someone he wasn't just because in his eyes his major wouldn't make him rich? that motherfucker who took his confidence away, who made him doubt himself, who used him just to have someone by his side that wouldn't complain or try to over power him? the same motherfucker who broke up with him because Jisung wanted to meet his family but he said he would never introduce him because he didn't want to _disappoint_ his family? that guy? that… guy?

Chenle just couldn't comprehend none of this. 

"I guess I shoulda known… In the end of all I knew he was still in love with someone else when I met him, I guess that's my fault" he said to himself.

Chenle took a deep breath – the longest he had ever taken – and headed back to his house. Eyes glued to the ground, watching his own steps. He was too defeated to actually face anybody, he just genuinely wished that a hole opened in the ground, just to swallow him and maybe end his pain, but none of that happened and he arrived at his building still alive yet broken into a million pieces.

Once he entered his room he just took off his shoes and shirt and hid himself under his blankets. Now he was "safe", under the blankets nobody could bother or judge him, nobody but the smell of Jisung that was strong enough to make him throw the pillow to the floor angrily.

He couldn't hold it back anymore so he just let his feelings take over his body, finally breaking down. 

"Why? Why did this happen? Why? What have I done wrong? Wasn't I good enough for you? I loved you, I loved you with my whole heart, Jisung." He yelled it out of his chest, sobbing hard on the pillow left in his bed, cried, and cried, and cried… until he had no energy left in his body and finally fell asleep. That night he dreamed about Jisung, they talking in that same bed, joking about everything and anything like they used to do, then they made out and fell asleep cuddling. But the moment they fell asleep in his sleep, he woke up in real life, seeing that the reality hadn't changed, and he was still lonely, left behind. 

Left behind by the one that was left behind before, and now did the exact thing he used to claim that was inhumane, to Chenle. 

Although it seems to be very selfish of Chenle to be so mad that Jisung couldn't love him back, he didn't care. He was too sad, with his thoughts too blurry to actually care about anything, but his heartache. 

.

Chenle gets up off the bench as he shakes his head, trying to get rid of the nonstop tears that still insist to fall. His head is hurting so much right now, and his heart is shattered into a million pieces to remember about all of those moments. Thinking about him is never easy, and he doesn't know if it will ever be, in the end he will never know if Jisung used him to get over his feelings for his boyfriend or if their relationship actually mattered to him but it just really doesn't matter anymore. As much as he wishes that he could erase those memories, they are important to make him stronger as a person, it really does build character to have a heart break one time or two.

It still hurts. And probably will still do for some time. Everytime he sees them together, everytime he sees him laughing much wider than he used to laugh with him, everytime he looks at his cute face from afar and just wishes he could squish it like he used to, every time he dreams with him, just… everytime. 

For a long while

But hopefully someday it'll pass, and Jisung will be just a vague memory, a memory of how loving can hurt.

Just… a memory of a failed love. 

  
  
  


  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading 💓 follow me on twitter if you want to read my socmed chenji aus!! 
> 
> 👉🏻 [ @sungleIe ](https://twitter.com/sungleIe?s=09)
> 
> see you next time.


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